I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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