There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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