a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
