I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
