At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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