just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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