I puked a lego.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
