so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
