you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
