i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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