Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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