My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
