party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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