I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
