I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
