she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
