You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
