She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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