if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Less talking, more tequila
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
