I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's always time for handjobs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
