I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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