Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Someone came in the potted fern
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
