That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
