My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he thought i was a dude.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
