Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
