I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
