He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
