she told me i tasted like america
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
