I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
