apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
