I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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