A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
