listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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