Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
