remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
