I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
