I wish I could teleport
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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