Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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