do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dignity is for republicans.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
