No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
