My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
