you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
