They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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