while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
