R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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