Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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