I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
