new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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