Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
