you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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