I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
